Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Delayed Tears.


1.Have you ever experienced your left eye "giggling", "vibrating"?

2. It happens to me all the time, and it always ended up with me crying.(My mother told me this theory long time ago) Sometimes for no reason. It's like a sign, telling, as if "your 'tears factory' is overproducing" and it has to let go, even for no fucking sad reason.

3. So yeah, it's been for a couple of days now since my left eye started "dancing"(again), (usually it happens under the eye, on the eye bag).

4. But I did cried just now. About an hour after my dad told me to lower down my voice. I was singing I belong to You by Anastacia when he knocked on the study room's door. He said it's late. (It was 5 minutes before midnight). I knew that that's going to happened. Well, it wasn't the first time and my dad was not the first person. I chosed a lower key song to sing, Saviour by Anggun. Just before the second chorus, my dad called my cell, and told me that he could still hear me from his bedroom which is quite far from the study room, and told me to SHUT THE PIE HOLE UP since "everyone" have to wake up early tomorrow(but he sugar coated the word 'everyone' by using my maid's name- he knows that Siti(my Indonesian maid) is the only person in the house that I never really had any conflict with. 

5. It was very embarassing, eventhough I was alone in the room. Not to mention the fact, that an on holiday 19 years old fashion student spending his night time singing semi-opera songs right before midnight in his family's study room infront of his Macbook Pro is already dead pathetic. Right at that moment, I feel the pain of living in this world and not earning your own mean-green.

6. I keep telling myself, "DON'T CRY, prove that your mother's theory was wrong. Break the real 'myth'. It's not a shameful sad thing what you did, you were just singing at a wrong time, atleast you are not watching porn." And there wasn't a single tears. But I knew I was crying inside since I felt the pain in the middle of my chest.

7. So I stopped singing(so not fair) and started sketching designs for my 13 years old cousin. Her mother asked me to design something for her to wear on my sis' wedding. I did a few sketches with crayon. While I was having fun stroking my pastel, suddenly I felt so sad. How can these things be happening to me. I have no idea what I'm drawing, an advert spam popped up on my messenger pretending to be my friend, someone that I like is rather playing "card" than talking to me, and I can't sing in my own home. I'm not happy at this moment.

8. Time is never enough. I always feel stupid. I think I'm a little bit to hairy and overweight. Acne never stop on my forehead. Most of my friends are leaving. Joe Jonas is straight. Hollywood is way to far from where I live. Israel always win, civilians were killed. Thank God I have my religion. Allah, I really wish and hope that you have a really FANTABULOUSTIC plans for me. I believe in you. Amin.

Jumpa lagi, A bientot.

3 comments:

  1. I love you for numbers 7 and 8. And for so many other reasons as well.

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  2. 3/4 of the storykan.. i rasa mcm sedih la for u... tetiber i read ur last paragraph...i gelak berdekah dekah coz... to much drama... hahah... (",)

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  3. scary yet funny.. the whole eyes vibrating leading to crying thing..

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